Strange
by Hari-Aisu
Summary: Follow me, he said. Follow me and you'll get better. Get better? I hadn't known there was anything wrong with me to begin with...
1. Strange

A/N: Oh my gosh, I have no idea where this came from, but I love it so much.

Jeez I've been saying that about a lot of one-shot's these days…

But this is relevant to what I'm actually studying and holds references to a story I love up the ying-yang! And, and, it's so totally mind-fuckingly _weird_!

I. LOVE. IT.

Seriously. I do. It just fits my effed up mood so well…

BTW LISTEN TO THIS SONG. Tokio Hotel = 3 Super Love to the nth degree. Lol.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, any of its characters or anything that _affiliates_ itself to DN. I do own the mind-fuckery in this short story though. I will lay claim to that. Lol. I also don't own the song "Strange" by Tokio Hotel (featuring Kerli) even though I totally wish I owned them. Uh… I shouldn't have admitted that out loud huh? ^.^;

**_Warnings: _**Because I know somebody will stumble upon this and be like 'WTF I WAS NOT MENTALLY PREPARED FOR THIS! FLLLAAAMMMEEE!' so here we go; if you can't stand (I mean literally can stomach it even when it is not explicit) issues with self-mutilation, drug abuse (in this case, prescription), angst and general crazy shit that looms into the 'wtf? I'm so confused' category, you probably shouldn't read this. I mean, there's nothing really all that explicit, but hey, some people need to be warned. Lol.

* * *

"_A freak of nature_

_Stuck in reality. _

_I don't fit the picture. _

_I'm not what you want me to be._

_Sorry…_

_Under the radar-_

_Out of the system- _

_Caught in the spotlight,_

_That's my existence. _

_You want me to change…_

_But all I feel is strange!_

_Strange in your perfect world._

_So strange…_

_Strange!_

_I feel so absurd in this life._

_Don't come closer!_

_In my arms,_

_Forever you'll be strange-_

_Strange..._"

-"Strange" by Tokio Hotel featuring Kerli

* * *

Title: _**Strange**_

* * *

The light gleamed off the blade with near perfection making his dark gray eyes shine with newfound anticipation.

There was no rhyme or reason to his actions.

No real motive to actually try what he was going to try.

But…

There was no reason not to either.

The metallic edge of the razor blade he held within his fingers began to dull over as a large rain drop plopped heavily over its mirror-like reflection, the scattered pieces of his face blurred and pale.

Why was he doing this?

Bored?

Tired?

Depressed?

Carefully stepping forward, he stared down at the dark abyss in front of him and smiled.

A large rip of skin hung from his arm as a torrent of bright red fell onto the ground along with the cascade of water falling harshly from the sky above him, the sound of an angel's crying ringing within his ears.

Did he just…?

What?

His arm became littered with cuts and yet he couldn't remember actually doing the cutting. His wrist stung heavily as it was peeled open, the razor no longer its original steel color and now splattered in _red_.

What was he doing?

Dropping the sharp instrument before it could do more harm, he stared at the bleeding arm with a morbid fascination that irked even him. The white cloth of his shirt fell over his hemorrhaging appendage and settled over the dull pain like a heavy sheet of metal over a delicate strain of silk.

Rhyme or reason…

There was no rhyme and reason.

Perhaps that's why…

L didn't hear the heavy set of footsteps behind him as his eyes began to close and he felt his body tilt backwards, the stinging pain slapping his brain into immediate action even as the ounces began to pour out of his body and onto the ground.

There was no use living in a world where nothing mattered.

Especially someone as useless as himself.

* * *

"I'll be back soon." L whispered into Light's ear as he got up from his spot on the couch, eyes guarded for some reason the younger man could not fathom. "I have to go pick something up from the store."

"Ok." Light nodded in response. "Don't forget to bring an umbrella."

The dark-haired 30-year-old shrugged before making his way out of the house, patting his pocket as if something precious was held inside it.

Light held in his breath as he stared, the heavy feeling in his gut exploding violently until his feet made the decision for him and he went looking for his jacket.

"Silly…" Light mocked himself lightly as he traced the thin strip of plaster set across his cheek. "I'm being silly."

* * *

_Into the trash you go…_

L stared as the tiny tablets fell into the tiny hole of his sink, the running water drowning out the clinking sound as the pills hit the outer rim of the drain and fell down the rabbit hole…

_I'm sure someone will find that helpful in their water supply._

His head felt a bit light and his hands began to shake as he finally realized just what he done, but he did not regret his decision. Taking the bottle and shoving it into his pocket, L nearly snickered as he bounced out of the kitchen.

_I'll feel better soon._

Passing by the living room as he marched to the large staircase leading up to his and Light's shared bedroom, he sent his boyfriend a loving smile as the younger man reading didn't even react to the sudden grin being aimed at him.

_I love him so much…_

Before he caught himself rushing towards his light-haired lover and kissing him into oblivion L forced himself onwards.

_So much, so much, so much, so much, so much, so much…_

Throwing the orange prescription (_the word 'Seroquel' taunting him as he did so_) bottle into the trash (_where Light wouldn't be able to find it_) and feeling ten thousand times better about the situation at hand, L bounded back down the stairs and smothered his boyfriend with a series of kisses and hugs that nearly scared him.

_You don't know how much Light._

* * *

"L, please stop it." Light warned as he stepped back, a fearful look settling within his eyes. "You're going to hurt yourself if you don't sto-"

A loud crash reverberated throughout the house as another vase hit the wall, this one splattering not even a few centimeters away from his face. Light cried out as a stray piece of porcelain hit his face, a thin stream of blood running down his cheek as the fresh feel of pain hit his face.

L's rage immediately subsided as he heard the strangled yelp and rushed to his boyfriend's side, eyes widening as he studied the cut formed on his lover's visage with a careful finger. Taking a series of deep breaths and trying to keep at the calming techniques his therapist had taught him in case such a situation occurred, L winced as a hand touched his own cheek, surprising him with the wetness he felt there.

"It's ok." Light whispered, just as understanding as always. "We'll talk to your psychiatrist. We'll get you a new medication. Everything will be ok. I promise."

The older man sighed as he let his head fall against Light's shoulder, the tears falling down at a rapid rate.

"I promise…"

* * *

"And this will help me?" L blinked as he stared down at the sloppily written note placed within his hand.

_Seroquel…_

_What the hell is Seroquel?_

The bespectacled-man sitting in the large chair in front of him simply sighed before leaning back, dark eyes rounded with concern. "I should hope so. Every new medication tried is always like a test drive; we never know how a person might react until they actual begin to them. If you see any strange side-effects within the next couple of weeks, or even the next couple of months, call me and we'll change you're prescription immediately."

"Again." L deadpanned.

"I never said this would be an easy process L." The psychiatrist sighed once again. "If you work with me I will be able to work with you. This won't work if you're not willing to put in the effort, Mr. Lawliet."

"Right. Right. Effort." Nodding absently, L smiled (_fake_). "Light will be pleased."

Ignoring the tiny frown set on his doctor's face, L stood up and left the office without another word, the hand clutching onto the piece of paper tightening into a rather painful fist.

* * *

"Did you call the doctor?"

"Did you call the doctor?"

"Did you call the doctor?"

"Did you call the doctor?"

"Did you call the do-"

"_Yes_!" L hissed out as he held his hands over his ears, dull gray eyes narrowing with agitation. "Would you stop asking the same thing over and over again?!"

Light blinked as he straightened out the pair of reading glasses that had been perched over the bridge of his nose, the look of perplexity set over his pretty features almost aggravating in and of itself. "What are you talking about?"

L gaped over at the younger man before standing up and leaving the room, a faint twitch settling itself over his left eye.

A concerned frown painted itself over his lips as the 24-year-old novelist marked the page he was on and rushed out after his live-in lover, knowing he was most likely propping himself up for another fight and not caring in the least.

'_Pick your battles, Light. That's what the counselor told the both of you…_'

The sound of his boyfriend regurgitating threw that thought out of the window as he rushed into the bathroom and steeled himself for another long night of headaches and bull-headed insomnia.

* * *

"You have to do this for you and nobody else L."

"Yes."

"So?"

"So what?"

"Are you? Doing this for yourself I mean."

"Sure."

"Why do I feel as if you're not being entirely truthful in saying that?"

"I do this for Light. And I love Light. So… in essence, I'm doing this for me."

"Do you think Light will leave you if you don't come into therapy?"

L gave his therapist a baleful glare as he laid back against the cushions of the couch, the considerably older woman staring over at him scribbling something down in her notes before he even had a chance to answer.

"Is that a trick question?"

The scribbles stopped.

"Are you scared?"

"Of what?"

"What would happen if Light were to leave you?"

L stayed silent after that question, the last fifteen minutes of their session spent only breathing.

* * *

"I don't want to." L muttered into his pillow, gray eyes wide and fathomless.

"Please?"

"But… I don't… want… to…" Once again the pillow muffled his voice. "Light…"

"L, you need help. Help I can't give you."

_But you do. _

_You help so much…_

_Don't you?_

"Ok."

And that was that.

* * *

The first time he had had a panic attack in front of Light, he had never seen the writer so frighten.

It was like he had literally frozen up and had no idea what to do.

L had calmed down eventually…

But the incident soon became routine.

_Fuck. _

He had thought he had rid himself of this.

_Why, why, why, why, why, why now?_

Light, little by little, learned how to deal with L's rampant anxiety attacks and calmed him down as best as he could, but L could feel the stringent stare he would be dealt with after the incident passed and Light had the time to process the rather random series of events.

Sometimes it would happen within crowds.

Sometimes alone.

There was no rhyme or reason to it.

_Rhyme or reason…_

No routine.

_Routine…_

It felt so…

Scattered.

_Unreal. _

Distant.

_Surreal._

How could he expect Light to deal with this day in and day out?

_He'll leave_.

He couldn't.

_He doesn't have to deal with this._

Light loved him.

_Now. Now he loves you. What about a year from now when the novelty wears just a bit too thin? Will he still love us then? _

Me…

Him…

Us…

What?

* * *

"Are you alright?" Light pet away the wet strands of hair from his forehead and gently kissed him as if it had been months since they had seen each other last. "That looked like a pretty bad nightmare. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." L felt his throat constrict. (_Yes. Yes I do_) "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

_I want to… so badly…_

"I'm fine."

Light's doubtful countenance haunted him for the rest of the night alongside the images of broken bones and streams of blood that plagued him only in his dreams.

_I love you, Light…_

_Keep repeating it. _

_Keep repeating it. _

_Keep repeating it. _

_I love you…_

* * *

It had only been a month and already he was captivated.

"L?"

Barely paying his golden-haired friend any mind, L kept his eyes on the young aspiring novelist standing in line, discretely catching his gaze over his shoulder when the auburn-haired man thought no one else was looking.

But they were.

And L loved it.

"Jeez, there he goes into La-La Land again…"

Only a month since their first date and already people said they were inseparable from each other.

And they were.

And L loved that too.

"Light must be around here somewhere then."

"Of course! Who else could have L so on edge?!" A redhead appeared beside the blond and chuckled as his companion waved his hand in response. "Right L?"

Light grabbed an apple before spinning around and sending L a blinding grin.

"L?"

Walking towards their table, the light-haired writer seemed to glow with happiness; L had never had such a look directed towards himself in all of his 29 years of life and it was _addicting_.

"La-La Land it is, then…"

_This is heaven._

"Ha ha ha L's in luurrrvveee…"

_And if it isn't…_

"You are such an _idiot_."

_Then heaven mustn't be all that great anyway._

* * *

"I'm so sorry!"

L almost cursed as he stared down at the red stain clinging to his white sweater (_why did he wear such an obnoxiously light-colored sweater anyway?_), eyes trained solely on the giant wet spot as the man who had bumped into him apologized profusely.

"Somebody pushed me from behind and I tried to angle myself out of the way, but that obviously didn't work to either of our advantage!"

"It's alright." L grated out, blotting out the stain with a napkin the clumsy stranger handed to him as best as he could. "Mistakes happen I suppose."

"Usually I'm a lot more graceful than this." The smooth chuckling made in response to the man's self-deprecating comments were soothing; a warm sensation crawled up L's spine as he slowly gazed up from the crimson blemish set upon his shirt and towards the golden-skinned youth staring at him with almond-shaped hazel eyes and a rather nervous-looking smile. "I feel so foolish. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

Nearly fumbling over himself as the handsome-faced young man tilted his head to the side and practically _sparkled _under the chandelier light, L bit his lip.

_Beautiful._

_He's beautiful. _

_So beautiful…_

"Conversation would be nice." L strangled out as his hands stilled over his shirt, the fancy bar they were both standing in front of littered with drunken men and women who stared at them both as if they had two hands. "And a name perhaps?"

The auburn-haired young man laughed merrily before setting down his cup of wine and brushing back a stray bang away from his right eye.

"Light." The tan Adonis whispered decadently. "My name's Light. And you?"

"L…"

_My name is-_

_I don't want that name. _

_Can't I be someone else? _

"Then it's very nice to meet you, L. Hopefully you won't hold your ruined shirt against me." Light smiled, the area around him glowing with the ferocity of his beauty. "Let's sit over here!"

And L followed, his eyes trained on Light's figure even as the man pushed his still-full glass of Cabernet over to him and coerced him to take a drink. Feeling the warm buzz of alcohol hum over his body, his mouth moved without his accord and his hands twitched forward until finally they were wrapped around the other's neck and his lips were his for the taking.

Each second blended together until all he could feel was Light and he wasn't even sure which light he meant anymore…

* * *

Dark eyes blinked as the white ceiling above them glittered at the edges of their vision, a paralyzing fear overcoming the 30-year-old man as he attempted to move forward only to find he _could not_.

_Trapped. Trapped. You're Trapped. _

His breaths began to run out in pants, a plastic mask covering the lower part of his face and marking his skin with a forceful ache that made him _itch all over_.

_Move. Run. Down the hole you go…_

Crying out loud, he did not notice the golden hand move over his face and pull down the mask nor did he feel the press of fingers against the dry skin of his face, a familiar voice shushing him even as his screams rang louder.

_Maybe this is all just a dream?_

"L!"

_Oh dear…_

"L, please, you have to calm down!"

_I believe we may have broken you…_

"L, please… you're scaring me…"

_But who will put you back together again?_

"I don't want them to have to sedate you…"

_Hm?_

L took in a few deep breaths as he finally took stock of the surroundings around him, the voice soothing him enough so that his cries died out and withered away into nothing.

Gray met honey brown; teary brown streaked with worriment meant only for _him_.

"L?" Light gargled out, tears still falling from his eyes in waterfalls as those soothing hands passed over pale white. Trying to keep his gaze away from the bandaged arm underneath his bent stomach, Light knew he was failing immensely. "I'm here baby…"

L stared at the boy blankly before turning his head to the side and closing his eyes.

_Trapped. _

The word echoed in his head even as the echoing sobs lulled him to sleep.

…

…

…

…

_Like me._


	2. Painting Flowers

A/N: And here I go again. No. No. No! This is it! I promise!

Think of this as a closing companion to the last story (of sorts), my friends. Yes. That I can deal with. Lol. Though I am kind of sad that no one has been able to identify the type of disorder(s) L's been diagnosed with. *pout* I thought I was being obvious… C'mon, you guys! Take some guesses! Lol.

On a side note, I've got to apologize for the lack of updates for my stories you guys. My emo-ish mood (which I know you wouldn't think would suit me being the type of person I am) just won't allow me to concentrate on my multi-chapter stuff (along with the other million and one factors smacking me in the face at the moment) and I don't see things changing anytime soon what with life going on with its bitchy neediness and all -.-; But I'm trying everybody! I mean it!

Kind of. ^.^; Eh. Enjoy what crap I'm able to shove your way in the mean time kiddies!

Key Note: I believe that many people reading this will either love or hate this piece. To each his own. Lol.

Disclaimer: Don't own DN and I definitely don't own "Painting Flowers" by All Time Low.

* * *

"_Show my cards,_

_Gave you my heart-_

_(Wish we could start all over…)_

_Nothing's makin' sense at all._

_Tried to open up my eyes,_

_I'm hopin' for a chance to make it alright…_

_When I wake up_

_The dream isn't done-_

_I wanna see your face_

_And know I made it home._

_If nothing is true,_

_What more can I do?_

_I am still painting flowers for you._

_I am still painting flowers for you_."

-"Painting Flowers" by All Time Low

* * *

Title: _**Painting Flowers**_

* * *

I don't think I've ever felt so frighten in my life.

Is that an understatement?

Am I being intentionally vague?

_Yes._

But I can't…

I just can't bear to speak of it yet.

To even _think _of it.

_But that's a lie, because it always there, the picture of him lying on the ground as the splatter of red covers his torso and slowly pools underneath his body. _

As I sit here watching you sleep (the only way you actually sleep now is by being tranquilized; what kind of sleep is that?) I wonder why I haven't left yet.

Why do I keep torturing myself like this?

_Somehow you grew to care for him; why didn't you leave at the first sign of trouble?_

But I'm not crying.

I'm _not_.

I hate this.

I hate you.

I hate myself.

_What the hell am I doing?_

* * *

_Light didn't even flinch as the doctor spoke of their options, the words 'institution', 'medication' and 'counseling' causing a rise of resentment to flourish throughout his body. _

"_He'll need to be monitored for awhile and if he keeps waking up so violently we might have to keep him restrained a bit longer than first planned…" The unnamed doctor murmured. _

"_Don't you think that the reason he's reacting so violently is because he _is _restrained?" Light snapped, lack of sleep and nourishment finally getting the best of him. _

"_I'm sorry but its standard procedure here." Doctor No-Name winced as Light shook his head in disappointment, obviously too tired to rightfully snap at the man they way he should have. "And visiting hours should be up soon, so…" _

"_Can I please have a couple more minutes to myself then?" The cankerous brunet asked as patiently as he could. _

"_Right..." Watching as the young doctor slipped out of his patient's room as quickly as possible, Light held back a cough as he laid his head on the metal railing of the bed. Dark hair clashed against the pale white sheets of the pillow L's head was propped up against, the dark circles under the unconscious man's eyes much more vivid due to the bright light shining down upon them overhead. _

_Thin fingers traced the contours of a sunken cheek as dry red eyes closed, imagining himself somewhere else, anywhere else…_

* * *

You're still sleeping.

Unconscious.

I don't know how else to phrase it so 'delicately'… not part of the land of the 'living' anyway.

Remember when I used to tease you about the bags under your eyes and how they made you look like a zombie? Is it sad that all I'm thinking now is that at least you're getting your sleep somehow?

I know, I know, I shouldn't be making jokes yet. But… but I don't want to think about it yet.

Is that ok?

Are you ok?

Why do I even _care?!_

_Because he's gotten under your skin and no matter how much you deny it, he's important to you now. _

Why did you do _it_?

Would you even tell me that much if I asked?

I don't think you would. You didn't even tell me you were thinking about doing _it _to begin with. Why the hell would you tell me _why_ anyway?

Just hurts…

Why does this hurt?

* * *

"_Ah, you're going to have to leave the room Mr. Yagami." _

"_What?" _

"_Examination."_

"_And?" _

"_I'm sorry but you're not permitted to be in here at this time without his consent and, uh, he can't really give his consent at this moment as you can see…" _

_Light gave the doctor and nurse standing beside him a dirty look before he gathered himself and stalked out of the room, trying to keep himself together as best as he could so as to not have a meltdown outside his boyfriend's hospital room. _

_Minutes passed and Light felt his eyelids begin to close as he leaned against the wall behind him, the nurse situated behind the large blocked station across the hall giving him a sympathetic glance before going back to her work. _

'_I'm so tired…' _

_The door creaked open after what seemed to be an eternity of staring at the tiles that compromised the hospital hallways, the doctor happily nodding at Light and telling him how wonderfully L's wounds were healing up-_

_(Every wound except the ones still bleeding within his head)_

_And how they were pretty sure that they would be able to take the stitches out sooner than they thought and perhaps not sedate him as much so long as he didn't physically harm anybody-_

_(Especially himself)_

_And calmed down immediately after-_

_(Calmed down how)_

"_Are you alright Mr. Yagami?" The doctor stared into Light's listless brown orbs with a sturdy concern, hands slowly climbing up to grasp at his face-_

_(Only L should be allowed to do that)_

_And flash a light into his eyes-_

_(Pain, nothing but pain)_

_As flecks of blue and purple caught Light's peripheral vision and he felt himself become light-headed in response-_

_(So tired…) _

"_I'm ok." Light slurred, "Just exhausted is all." _

_The doctor nodded suspiciously before leading the young man back into his lover's room, golden brown eyes rimmed with red veins and a permanent frown etched against those once-beautiful lips. _

"_Perhaps you should rest a bit." A disembodied voice whispered into his ear as Light re-situated himself back into the uncomfortable plastic chair and leaned back against the cushion behind his head. _

"_I'm fine." Light whispered as he closed his eyes. _

_A nap…_

_Just a tiny nap would be fine._

* * *

Whenever I close my eyes, I get nauseous.

Did I do this to you?

Just like you've managed to infect me, have I infected you as well, L?

It's like you're under my skin, in my blood, swirling through my bones-

All I can think about is you.

And I _hate it._

* * *

"_Mr. Yagami?" _

_Light nearly grunted as his arm was shaken gently, a soft hand stilling him before he could tumble out of the chair. A pair of warm green eyes crinkled at the corners as the nurse smiled down at the startled writer, his reaction expected. "Visiting hours are over, Mr. Yagami." _

_Giving the middle-aged woman a near-pleading look before snapping out of his exhaustive emotional state and stumbling out of the chair, Light mentally berated himself as he nodded and gave the best smile he could summon under the circumstances. _

"_You should rest Mr. Yagami." The pretty (and quite motherly) nurse informed him before making her way out of the hospital room, leaving Light to gather his things in peace. _

_Glancing back at the still prone man serenely 'sleeping', Light caressed one of the leather straps holding down L's wrists and felt his vision become blurry for one quick second-_

'_It's time to go, Light.' _

_Gathering his laptop case in one hand and tracing the length of the man's body with the other, Light cringed in self-disgust. _

'_This is what we've both been reduced to then.' _

* * *

I tried so hard to delude myself into thinking that you were ok when really we both knew you weren't.

Your own therapist warned me about what would happen if I wasn't kept on my toes. Hell, your psychiatrist straight out told me I should have had you committed once I found out your diagnosis whilst he handed me that first slip of paper (_the first of_ _many to come_) with some long complicated name scribbled on top of it, eyes wise to your future antics as he stared at you out of the corner of his peripheral vision.

But I thought (naively, I'll admit) that you were getting better. You were taking your meds (_was he really?_) and you were making your appointments ( _and how do you know that?_) and I was keeping up with your condition as well as I could at home (_obviously it wasn't well enough_), so _why _couldn't you _get better_?

What was the point of getting you all this help if it did _nothing _for your well being?

For _my _well being?

For both of our _sanity_?

There were a couple times I thought about jumping the boat and letting you ride it out on your own-

But I couldn't do it.

Not then.

But… what about _now_?

* * *

_Light didn't even nod at any of the nurses or doctors as he made his way out of the hospital and scurried into the large parking lot, his brown eyes dilated with exhaustion. _

_All he wanted to do was _sleep_. _

_Throwing his case into his backseat (what had happened to his usual carefulness?) and slumping forward into the driver's seat, Light leaned against the steering wheel lodged directly in front of him and shivered. _

'_Should I be driving like this?' _

_He felt drunk and lethargic off the ending thrums of adrenaline steadily dwindling out of his system, but the urge to actually close his eyes and _dream _was not there. Grunting at the effort it took to straighten himself up and smash his key into the ignition, Light slowly pressed onto the break as the engine roared to life. _

_The sudden want to rest disappeared as a rush of reality hit his senses. _

_He was going home alone again. _

Again.

_Slowly pulling out of his parking space with a disinterested twist of his arm, another shiver crawled up Light's spine even though he knew for a fact that he was no longer cold. _

_The urge to sleep vanished without a trace. _

* * *

It's not that I miss you

(_Is it?_)

Or that I need you

(_Don't you?_)

In order to survive.

(_What's survival living all alone? A bland existence with nothing worth living for…_)

You've become a habit, is all.

You were something (_someone_) to take care of in my spare time. Something (_someone_) that occupied my time when my writing became a bit dull or I wished to indulge in a bit of conversation with something (_someone_) other than myself.

You weren't supposed to mean anything.

This entire relationship, it wasn't supposed to amount to anything.

Distraction, distraction, distraction…

How did you suddenly become an addiction without me realizing it?

* * *

_Light stared down at the carpeted floor of their living room, one of the legs of the couch propping his back up as his hands hit the matted ground in a swinging motion that was unlike him. The ruffled texture of the fabric tickling the sides of his raised feet scratched against the prone ankles partially swathed by the rough denim running down his legs, his toes wiggling as Light blinked dumbly at them. _

'_L hates this color carpet.' The writer absently thought to himself as he deliberately (and harshly) ran his hands against the carpet as if to push the floor away from him, barely wincing at the burning sensation stinging his palms. 'Why did I pick this color if he hated it so much?' _

_The bland beige held no answers for him as he ran his hands through the fabric again, his skin becoming raw from the force of his own pushes. _

_(Sleeping… you should be sleeping)_

_Absent thoughts filled with nonsense whispered into his ears as Light's eyes began to close, his clothes cold and heavy against his dry skin. The tough fabric of his pants suddenly felt like weights upon his legs as his head dropped against the smooth cushion of his couch, the snowy white material flushing out his complexion whilst simultaneously bringing out the red threading against the whites of his closing eyes. _

_(You should sleep…) _

_The world washed away in a flash of darkness as those eyes finally shut, Light's head lolling while his hands twittered into a full stop. _

_(There's nothing worth paying attention to here…) _

_Things made sense_

_(Always)_

_In the land of his dreams. _

* * *

I can't tell you how much I'll miss you

(_That's a lie_)

Because I might not.

(_That's a lie_)

I want to be able to finally let you go

(_That's a lie_)

Because maybe then we could _both _live in peace.

(_That's a lie_)

I don't want to have to keep telling myself that one day you'll get better when we both know that you won't. I don't want to have to keep repeating the same mantra to myself day after day after day while you live in your own world and-

(_Forget about what we've shared-_)

Leave all the hard work I've put forth into your recovery as if it never _meant _anything.

(_Why do you continue to lie to yourself? Just tell the truth_)

But if you don't want to help yourself, all the help in the world won't mean a thing.

Everything I've ever tried to achieve with you will be for nothing.

Is that how you want to think back upon our relationship? Just as a set of obstacles that, in the end, meant absolutely _nothing? _

Tell me, L. When did we become so _ugly_?

(_Finally…_)

* * *

_He couldn't remember falling asleep, but waking up, he was drenched in a moment of clarity. _

_The dark abyss that contained his forgotten dreams ebbed away as the familiar dull walls clenched Light into place, greasy hair hanging over glassy eyes still begging for sleep. Fingers itched against the day-old jeans hanging off his thin frame, the need to _write _overcoming all other necessities. _

_He had to do this. _

_He _had _to. _

_Picking himself up off the ground, Light made his way into his office and sagged within his chair, a leather-bound book of paper fumbled for within the farthest right hand drawer of his desk as it practically towered over his shrinking figure. _

_This was the right thing to do…_

_Wasn't it? _

'_You're going to drive yourself crazy doing this, Light.' _

_Exactly. _

_That was his reasoning. _

_And L. _

_L would be dragged down with him. _

_L didn't need that. _

_He needed a _strong _support system-_

_(But who does he have other than _you_?)_

_Brushing away all other thoughts from his head, Light pulled out a nice-looking ballpoint pen from his collection of many and let the point of the writing utensil fall onto the page, his eyes scanning the piece of paper as the words seemed to liquidate from his brain and course down into his arm and rush through his fingers in a flurry of elegant swirls only Light Yagami could entertain in the midst of an avalanche of muddled thoughts and forming ideas. _

_(Have you really given up?) _

_And so he wrote with only one goal in mind. _

'_Goodbye…' _

* * *

I can't remember ever wanting to _hate _you until now.

When did this beautiful feeling between us fall apart?

Is this true passion; either wanting someone with all of your body, mind and soul or wishing to destroy them in every sense such a word can imply?

This strain of walking a line so fine is _killing _me. I just want to go back and remember what it was like when everything wasn't quite so complicated and you were just L and I was just Light and we were _ok_.

I want all we had back.

I want it _back_.

Before the stupid voices and crazy hallucinations and the strange silences and blank gazes and horrible fights and petrifying fear. Before the wants and the hates and the tiredness. Before the before and the after and all the malignant stuff in between. God, is this the end, L? Is this the…

Is this the _end_?

I think it is.

And it hurts.

Will you forgive me for this? For being so selfish when I should be the exact opposite? Is it even selfishness if you know you won't be able to do a damn thing anyway? That's the question I ask every day, L. Is what I'm doing now _really _all that selfish when I know if you stay with me you'll

(_He'll go away_)

You'll die.

You'll die if I take you home.

God.

I didn't want to face it. But I have to. I have to be strong. I have to be everything you're not.

So…

Love me even as you forget about me. And I'll love you as I remember everything about you. And maybe one day, you _will _get better and _you'll_ be the one smiling L. Just like before.

Just like before.

If nothing else, don't lose yourself completely L. And maybe then, I'll be able to keep you too.

And even though this world (_existence_) may lay in between us, I know that you'll at least always be mine in my dreams.

* * *

Light felt himself sigh as he let his head fall onto the desk.

He was still so tired…

And as he rested, something told him that that wouldn't be changing anytime soon.

A large envelope sat in front of him whilst he closed his eyes once more, a large letter L winking down at him as he was once again thrown into his world of mental chaos and make-believe dreams. Things he wouldn't remember. Memories he couldn't seem to forget. But that was alright.

Tomorrow

(_Can you really do it?_)

Was just another

(_Just another lie_)

Day.


End file.
